Why love languages could be holding you back (and what to look for instead)

‘im acts of service”; “I’m a words of affirmation girlie!”; “Physical touch for me…”

Welcome to the world of ” love languages”, where listing how you receive devotion is as easily reeled off as your current favourite Netflix series or star sign.

If you’re not well versed in this phenomenon, looking at people’s dating profiles can feel a little like you’ve stumbled into some kind of secret society or cult. It’s only fully entered the mainstream lexicon in the last few years, but the shorthand for how we express and receive love is now as ubiquitous as people saying they’re looking for their “partner in crime”, or following the classic dating app prompt “don’t hate me if I…” with the words “put pineapple on a pizza [crying laughing face emoji]”. (IYKYK.) But could the gospel according to love languages actually be holding us back when it comes to romantic relationships?

If you’ve managed to miss this latest theory of life, the universe and everything, it runs thus: there are five main “love languages”, and apparently most of us have a primary and a secondary one.

These five “languages” are: words of affirmation (expressing affection through spoken words, whether that be praise, appreciation or compliments); acts of service (practical things done for a partner, such as cleaning the kitchen, taking the bins out, fixing that broken door handle); quality time (giving the other person your undivided attention and spending time together in a meaningful and intentional way);

physical touch (this isn’t just sex – it might be holding hands, kissing, hugging, giving a foot massage); and gifts (the time, thought and effort put into picking a present is usually what’s key here, rather than the amount of money spent).

The idea was posited by an American Baptist minister, Gary Chapman, in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, first published in 1992. He theorised that people tend to naturally demonstrate love in the way that they would prefer to receive it – and that figuring out what your love language is and communicating that to your partner can help ease tensions in a relationship.